Saturday, December 10, 2011

Now that your baby has died, who are you?

I'm quite an anxious person. 

I don't remember being like this before.  I've always been a bit of a stress head.  I've always been a bit of a control freak.  I've probably always been a bit of a drama queen, although (hopefully) not in the extreme sense.

But now that I have a dead baby under my belt, so to speak, I get so anxious at times that my insides are simply in knots.  I find it hard to park my fears and anxieties.  I also find it hard to talk about them.  When I do I easily feel that they are trivialised.  My community nurse told me one day, in response to a comment I made that we don't know what will happen tomorrow, and I worry about Toby (or something to that effect), that "it won't happen".  I couldn't keep on with the discussion.  Trivialised, because we know it might happen!

So I do tend to bottle a bit.  I do try to keep a soldier on mentality.  But I also know that I do it to the detriment, at times, of smelling the roses.  I get busy with "the business end" of life, and suck at the emotional stuff.  I have no time for airy fairy, yet I think I'm a bit of an airy fairy myself.  I'm a pisces denying myself my birthrite of rose colored glasses. 

:::

But for now this rambling airy fairy must go to bed.  It's past my deadline of 1am by 15 minutes and I still need to brush my teeth, put my pj's on and climb in.
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4 comments:

  1. Hope's MamaDecember 10, 2011 at 10:51 PM

    Yep, me too. Me too.
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  2. LoriDecember 14, 2011 at 8:09 PM

    So funny because I'm a pisces also and have never fit the persona!!

    Now, maybe I do. I think I'm just the opposite. I think now that Matthew has died, and I feel like there really is NOTHING I can do that can bring him back or would have change the outcome, I stress so much less because I sort of throw my hands up in the air and go, "Well...it doesn't matter because what will be, will be, right God?"

    Now...don't get me wrong, I don't think that's the best attitude to have because if I am honest, it's almost a bit flippant.

    But in my head I think, "I know what kills babies."
    "Chewing on a piece of dog kibble won't do it."

    (And then I shudder at night, as I pray, "Will it?")

    xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  3. MirneJanuary 9, 2012 at 1:21 AM

    I want to hit people who say "it won't happen". Really hit them very hard. Because they are talking bullshit. I know. Because it happened to me. So I'm a big anxious and nervous freak. No wonder I don't have any friends :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. MirneJanuary 9, 2012 at 1:22 AM

    Or maybe that's just because no-one knows what to say to me or do to me ... mmm.

    ReplyDelete

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