At the pointy end.

Firstly, I'm thinking about ending this blog once baby comes along.  I don't publish here much any more.  I don't think anyone reads here any more.  I have been thinking about it and I don't like having my laundry just sitting around out there in cyberspace.  Ill miss it, but for the therapy it's given me, being in blog land, it's also caused me a bit of grief.  If you are reading, and perhaps would like to stay in contact, please let me know.

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So, here I am, getting close to the pointy end of my pregnancy, once more.  I'm tired.  And if you ask my husband I'm simply cranky.  The girl version of it though of course is that I am nearing the end of a long and difficult journey.  I'm tired and I'm hormonal.  No matter how this pregnancy ends, my family is complete.  There will be no more.

I am the type of person who is easily walked on.  The one who always has to change things to suit the other people.  Perhaps people who know me in real life would say bullshit, I don't know.  It does sound like a bit of a woe is me story.  But I'm the person who arranges a party that no one turns up to.  Or I decorate for and the guests bring their own and re do it.  No matter what I do, I feel like it always gets re done to suit others.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful because God knows just how much I know I'm blessed with his little one.  And we all know how baby loss and infertility takes away your control.  I'm really feeling it now though, and it's killing me.  All I want is for my final birth experience to be the way I want it.  I don't mean the uncontrollable, obviously.  Instead I feel like simply a pawn on someone else's chess board.  And the closer I near to the end, the more I'm trying to allow myself to relinquish control, because it seems the only thing I can do, so why stress over how I want things to go?  The few people I've spoken to in real life seem to not understand what I mean.  They are also the people Jo throw great parties that nobody criticises or rearranges.

Quite honestly, this pregnancy has been the easiest.  I've not had a leg cramp.  I've hardly had reflux.  I've been quite mobile throughout, could lay on my back until recently.. No swelling.  No carpal tunnel.  That kind of thing.  When I say easiest of course I mean in relation to my other full term pregnancies.

But at 31 weeks I discovered my OB was going away, leaving no locum, and that my next scheduled appointment was at 38 weeks.  Unimpressed I can tell you.  Unimpressed.  She may be THE best OBs in our city, but her manner and treatment sometimes leaves a lot to be desired I'm afraid.  Anyway, We also that my placenta had gone completely previa, covering the cervix.  Due to the high risk of haemorrhage and associated risks to baby and myself my OB 'banished' me from home.  We live on a large property 50km from the nearest town and at least 1.5-2 hours from a regional hospital, so I wasn't allowed to stay here, and I was given the 'choice' of finding somewhere to live in the city for a couple of months, or going home to my parents, which put me further from my hospital and doctor, but closer to a fully equipped hospital, so that's where I went.

Relocating is never  as easy as it sounds though.  I had to pack to prepare for being away from home possibly 7 weeks.  I also had to pack a hospital bag for me.  One for possible labour and bub, and one for Toby to cover the entire time.  Including making arrangements for thins like bill paying and banking. At my parents there is no mobile service and no Internet.  I had to arrange how to get my clexane injection daily.  That kind of thing.

But relationship pressures too.  Shane didn't really understand why I had to go down there when I was still going to be on a farm, a (shorter) distance from hospital.  The hospitals here aren't equipped to deal with preterm birth or complications.  My family's farm is also small, surrounded by neighbours (600 acres as opposed to 18,000).  Shane wanted to simply get his parents down to stay with me, and couldn't understand why that didn't cut it (besides the issues above, thy would struggle to deal with me if something went awry, plus his father is invalid and has difficulty getting around.  Oh god help me it would be terrible to have to deal with).  I don't mean to paint a poor picture of Shane of course... As I said, he struggled with really comprehending.  Pressure I didn't need.

Being with my family was great in that my mum especially was very helpful with Toby.  But a toddler in someone else's house is hard work, so the days that she wasn't there were very trying for me.  I missed my bed.  Toby is getting too big for his portacot, but is not yet in a bed (I tried but I wasn't up for the persistence of him getting out!).  These sorts of challenges.

I also started having some heart issues where my heart was racing noticeably, sometimes around 140 or so bpm which was making me woozy and nauseous and difficult o function (shower and dress, dress Toby etc).  It would settle after a while and then I was fine, especially if I was able to sleep.  An ECG showed an abnormal rhythm but it was all put down as normal pregnancy type palpitations.  I still get it happening every day, but mostly I can manage them by taking it easy when i Know it's coming.

In the second week I had an appointment with an OB down there, just as an antenatal appointment.  He did a quick scan and couldn't see the placenta being a problem, so sent me for a better one just o be sure.  The placenta was (now) 2.7 cm away from the cervix, so I was allowed to come home.  Much to Shane's happiness.

On the downside (well, there are ups, but just not so for my sanity), my inlaws decided to stick to their original plan (try we're coming down to look after Shane in my absence.....) and come down anyway, to look after me as well.

Whilst i Really appreciate having the bit of help, or the opportunity to take a lie down in need, it's very much wearing thin for me after 9 days, with probably another 2.5 weeks till baby arrives and not to mention whatever thy are planning to stay afterwards.  I've learnt that there is no point trying to fight it. My husband seems to be happier here.  Perhaps he feels better that Toby and I aren't at home alone.  Cheers to him.  However, he gets home from work around 6-6.30 and his outside chores have been done by his mother (dogs and chooks tended and wood brought in).  Dinner lands on his favourite - always something he likes to eat (I don't cater for his fussiness), and never a dish on the sink.  They are in bed by 8.30 at the latest.... Bliss for him.  I on the other hand have them with me every waking hour. I hav nowhere to escape.  I can't even talk on the phone in private.  She oversteps the mark in many thins, but then doesn't want to upset me in others.  And bless her, she creates so much extra work for me.  Simple things like having iron every.single.item and hang it in our limited hanging space.  I can't find a thing.  There is never anything in the washing basket - she does "just a small load" every time an item of clothing comes off.  Anyway, not meant yo be a whinge session... It's just going to be a long and stressful few more weeks.

Oh, and I'm not used o being told what I should do and when, or reporting in my every movement (I took Toby to town yesterday to go to the playground and the supermarket and was questioned as to which playground, how long I would be there and what time I would be home.  I understand her worrying but I am almost 43 years old...

Oh, I've also ad my appointment with Fetal Medicine which looks good for no laryngeal issues, though never a guarantee.  And I will hopefully get results from the Fetal MRI tomorrow.  That was not something fun - I had a full on panic attack in the tunnel whilst on my back and struggling to breath.  Thankfully they managed to do it then on my side.

I me with the midwife from my OBs office last week too, for an antenatal appointment and broke down in tears trying to explain to her wht all the tricky notes on my idle meant - who I'd seen, when and why.  Thank goodness, as a fellow baby loss mam, she was amazed I was even holding it together and rang my OB overseas to tell her I was a mess presumeably.  My BP was up again so I had o be BT'd for PE, which I'm presuming I not hav as nobody has contacted me (I don't think I do anyway - just one more thing to worry about).

Must leave my saga there and write more later...