I've had a few versions of this question since Toby was born. I can't say it;s always welcome, but only one of the examples I'm going to use got my goat.
My babyloss friend asked me. I didn't really know how to answer. I didn't want to flaunt the many fabulous bits about mothering a keeper. But I also didn't want to seem smug in pointing out the things about this role that I hadn't anticipated. I don't just mean the not so fun parts of real, live motherhood, but also the unresolved grief that rears it's ugly head continually and often unexpectedly.
So I havent yet really answered her. But it has provoked a lot of thought on the matter.
My sister asked me. My answer to her was that it is what I thought it would be. It is perhaps even easier than I thought. And I gave that answer after this week, that has been rather trying and tiring. She expressed surprise! She commented on what my views of motherhood must have been, if I find it easier than I expected. But I was able to point it out to her that the first two and a half years of motherhood for me was my introduction. And no matter what, learning to mother a live baby is much easier than learning to mother an angel.
But in between those two questions I was asked by another friend. Who, despite working in the industry ofbabies. And despite knowing our story, our history, and our desperate journey for another baby.
Her question, in all of it's bluntness was "So, are you happy now?"
She, I think realised the error in her words and tried to back track. But there it is folks.
Am I happy yet?
I have one angel and one survivor from my pregnancy (twin), and I agree with you 100% that mothering a living child is much easier than mothering an angel. I blogged about this very recently, as so often my friends think I am exhausted due to my newborn, when really I am exhausted from grief. Hugs to you. What complicated questions we BLMs have to answer, don't we?
ReplyDeleteI've gotten the "are you happy now?" or other versions of that question. My answer- yes, happy I finally get to raise a living baby. But am I always happy; no, I still miss my first and no baby is every going to replace him.
ReplyDeletexo
I've been asked that too. Jasper was six months. And I said "no" which sounds terribly ungrateful doesn't it. I am grateful though, and I do feel different now. I don't know that I would say I was happy, but I am okay. And I do feel blessed to have my boys... I think however I am too tired to be really happy... perhaps in a few more years???? Lol.
ReplyDeleteIts a hard question. And I suspect the answer you'd give would really vary day to day.
xx
Like JoyAndSorrow, I lost one of twins and I've always viewed the experience of mothering my two girls as far more similar than people would think. I love them both, I think about them both, I am equally consumed by them both. Adding another child into the mix has just split everything by three rather than two.
ReplyDeleteThat last question would have taken me by surprise. I suppose, given the circumstances of my first daughter's death, my answer would have to be 'happier than you ever imagine and sadder too' If that makes any sense at all?
Hi, Birni-
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog, and was so happy to hear of the safe arrival of beautiful Toby. Wishing you much joy as you watch your sweet boy grown, and remembering Ciaran always and wishing he were right there with you.
-Danielle
Oh friend!!!!! I just wrote about something similar to this tonight!!!! The whole, "Well, at least they got their happy ending!" thing.
ReplyDeleteReally?
Because last time I checked, a dead baby is still a dead baby...no matter how many live ones come after...and what's happy about that?
Or, like now that Luke is here, our 'journey' is over. (UGH...SO overused, that word is!)
Really, is that so?
When people ask me if it's everything I thought it would be, I bluntly tell them, "No. I never dreamed I'd have to take my son to see his big brother's grave. It's NOTHING like I thought it would be."
I know they mean well. I do.
But still...think about what you expect I might say, seeing as I still ache for my son, before you ask me if it's all I anticipated it would be.
Sending you love!!!!!!
Coming from a completely different perspective ... I think I would be happier if I was a mother to a living child instead of just a mother to three dead children.
ReplyDeleteA dead baby is still a dead baby (or three), but a living baby is a living baby. He is your future. Dead babies are not a future.