On miracles and us.

Apparently they happen. Should I just say it? I can't hide it in real life much longer. People are already recognising that there will be another.

Toby will be a big brother. One way or another now. Hopefully, all will be good news. For the next six months and beyond.

We're still somewhat in shock. After the miscarriage in October, we used our last frozen embryo with no success.

I had an appointment for early Feb to see my FS again to talk about going forward, but in realistic terms we probably couldn't find the funds to go again. It was a stress to me. I wasn't ready to stop trying. The miscarriage had once more changed things for me.

In December, I noticed that I had fallen into the exact same cycle as the one we had conceived Ciaran. To the day. Us girls know these things. Dates and stuff.

I admit it passed through my mind, in feelings more than words. I wondered in some form if we could be blessed. If the cycle was going to be 'ours'. But really, I was teasing myself. After four years of trying, trying, trying there was no hope left in me. That's a lie, but there was certainly LITTLE hope left.

Our TTC efforts these days are half hearted. We're old, tired and worn down. We're sick of disappointment. It's easier to not try.

The cycle was odd. Frustrating. I'm a 28-30 day girl. I O 'on time' every month. I'm predictable, and its all way too obvious for me to truly 'go with the flow'. But this time? I wondered if there was an early O. Never before seen. I wondered at normal O time, just what was going on. I cursed the D & C that seemed to have messed up everything.

At Christmas I had a few champagnes. I don't drink while TTCing, so I've been pretty teetotal for the bet part of five years. Then by CD28 I was cramping. AF was on her way. MIL was visiting. I had. Few vinos with her for the first couple of evenings.

Then at 3am in the morning of CD30, still cramping, we were all awake. It was a horrible hot night. It suddenly dawned on me that I was hungry. Very. And that the last time I was hungry like that in the middle of the night, was pregnant with Ciaran.

On a whim I got up and POAS and the second line was up before I could even put it down for the wait.

So there you have it folks.

It's still hush on fb. We'll 'come out' soon. We just need to get through our next scans.