The absence of butterflies...

I realised today that I haven't seen many butterflies. 

We are ten days into summer.  I've missed the entire "spring" butterfly season.  I do remember seeing my "first butterfly" of the season, but that seems to have been the highlight.

It got me thinking though.. Well, first of all it hit me with a sadness.  Butterflies are a strong symbol to me that Ciaran is around me.  Or at least if he's not around me, then it's a reminder to take a moment and breathe with him.  To simply take a moment.

So, has it been a season without butterflies?  Or have I been so caught up in my new life, that I have failed to miss the butterflies that have adorned my springs for three years now?  Sadly, I can't say that I am caught up in total happiness, because it's a happiness always tinged by sadness.  I still miss him with an ache in my heart.  The thought that I have just rushed around, going about my business with his baby brother, without taking a moment to myself, taking a moment to point out the beautiful butterflies to Toby even... well, it actually made me feel a little ill.

But the next thing I wondered was has he left me.  No.  I corrected myself there.  I had to.  I know he would never leave me.  But is it because I no longer "need" the signs of hope, as I did for the last three years?  I feel like I do, but perhaps it's more a feeling of "don't abandon me".  Bible passages are springing to mind there, but I'm not going to go into "what God said...".

I want to take time out to enjoy the butterflies.  I want to take moments to sit and devote randomly to Ciaran.  When I see a "sign", that reminds my heart to sing.

I'm not sure as I've written theis post very well.  Deep seated emotions are hard to find words for.  Send me the butterflies.

:::

Life is still very much up in the air.  No new positions have come up this week, so we are relying on two applications.  I feel like our relationship is strained, simply because we are so different in handling a crisis such as this.  Today I've been trying to remember "for better and for worse", and to remind myself of the lessons I had to learn in ttc, that I need to relinquish a certain amount of control.  Shane is the head of the family, the breadwinner, the husband and daddy.  I need to trust and believe in him.  But I also need to protect what little we have, so I need to come up with a plan B. 

It's just that plan B isn't coming to mind easily... !

I've been having some extremely anxious days.  Today wasn't too bad, but yesterday I actually thought about ringing Lif.elin.e.  Not because I was thinking of doing anything drastic, but simply because I needed to chat with someone.  About anything.  I needed to get my focus away from it all.  And the people I normally ring for a chat weren't available, so cheerily I said goodbye, and tried to go about my business.

I am trying to remember that in a month something will have been sorted.  Something will have happened.  And so there is only so much that my anxiety can achieve now.  Can't say it helps, but it's a thought!