When September ends...

Last year I posted the clip of the song... "wake me when September ends..." because in many ways it's fitting, and I think it always will be.
This year though I'm torn because obviously I can't sleep through the month.  But it doesn't mean that I don't want to.  It's only a few days in, and my moods have already been tough to handle.  I'm ok mostly on the outer.  I'm ok with a distraction.  But as I've said before, all roads lead to Ciaran.  Always.  Happy or sad.  Tired and frustrated.  Disappointed.  Handling bad news. 
I try a lot of the old "head in the sand" kind of stuff these days, but it doesn't work a whole lot.  Even a turtle has to drink, and this turtle doesn't have a straw (so the head has to come out to deal with that).

:::

So we are back on the rollercoaster, where time marches on like the carriages being pulled to the top.  I'm not sure where you would say I'm sitting right now, but the anniversaries have started.

I have said before that here in this babyloss world, there are some we tend to gravitate to and hold closer than others.  It doesn't mean that the other mamas are insignificant to us though.  And the reasons for the gravitation are many.

Right now it's the gravitational pull of the September anniversaries.  They actually begin in August.  Hope's three year birthday, just after my gorgeous little niece's third birthday.  Jet's second year birthday.  Keiki's third birthday.  Peyton's birthday and the beginning of her anniversary journey because her date is just after Ciaran's.  Zoe-Beth's fourth birthday.  Silas' third anniversary.  Levi's third.  Liam's fourth.  Joseph's third. 

They all belong to my September sadness.

There are more, I know and I'm only listing the top few that come to mind immediately.  So, why do some just spring to mind?  I guess because it was the first dawning on me that I wasn't actually alone.  I can't remember when I started blogging, but I was reading blogs not long after Ciaran died.  Somehow I found people.  I came across people in the world who not only knew my pain, but who were experiencing it at the same time as I was.  They really knew where I was at. 

The realisation that I wasn't alone was important.  You can be told that you're not alone, but it means jack.  Until you find that person who really gets it.  So to read someone else's words, and feel in total amazement that someone you had never met was writing what was in your heart, that it was apparently "normal", that the best I could ever hope for was a level of "pretend" in getting over the pain... well, it was pure justification. 

I like to believe that these children are friends in heaven. That they were brought together up there, to help their mama's on whatever level their mum's were needing the help in dealing with it.  Because although I wouldn't wish the pain on my worst enemy, the fact that someone was feeling the total devastation on the other side of the world still blows my world apart.

So... sadly... who is feeling it today.  Someone is screaming.  Someone's world is upside down.