It's your birthday.

My baby boy.  How I miss you.  How I love you so hugely.  I'm still so very angry that you're not here.  I'm not angry at you though, of course.  I'm just angry that it can never be.  I'm angry about every single bit of it.  To write about it would serve no purpose, and is nothing that my friend's don't feel for their own.  I know. 

But sometimes it's so very overwhelming.  Sometimes, as the love bucket for your brother grows and grows, so does the anger at the unfairness of why I can't have you as well.  I could kick and scream and punch.  But for what purpose would it serve.  I don't have the strength to put into it to make me feel any better for the action. 

My heart aches right now. 

:::

I've been in a funk for a couple of weeks now.  I'm up.  But then I plunge again.  I wondered for at least a week what was wrong.  I looked up PND.  I wondered if that was it.  I actually still wonder, but the one question that is posed on the information site when I googled it, that really gets me stuck is "do you find yourself crying for no reason?".  Well, um no... because although I cry a lot, there is always a reason.  There are always a million reasons.  How could I ever cry for no reason, ever again?

:::

How do I celebrate a little boy's birthday when he is in heaven and I'm still too angry?  Every year I think we'll have a cake and sing happy birthday.  But I can't.  I couldn't get the first two words out.  I can't visit him, because he's too far away.  I'm not too bothered by that, and I wouldn't change it.  I don't think of him as there, but rather as here.  With me.  And his daddy and his brother. 

I thought we'd do balloons again.  In the very least.  He's three now, so I know he would love some balloons.  And I wanted to watch Toby see them go up into the sky.  But it's blowing a gale out there, and I don't think they would go up, but rather sideways into the closest fence or tree.  So there won't be any balloons today little man.  Mummy is so sorry.  But maybe in a few days I will buy you something special.

:::

We did take something for him a couple of weeks ago though... a brand new windmill.  And his little brother.

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