Life became a circle...

... of firsts and lasts.

Remember when we were all writing about our heartbreaking firsts? 

The first day without them?
The first month without them?
The first Christmas without them?
The first Easter?
Their first birthday... without them?

The list is never ending, because back then, the way I remember it, absolutely everything was a heartbreaking first.

The first time you ate a meal... without them.
The first time you walked into the supermarket... again.  But without them.
The first time you saw an autumn leave fall.  Without them.

Because after they had to leave, everything was wrong.  Is still.  The autumn leaves should no longer fall, because they were meant to be here to see it with you.

You get it.

:::

Finally, with Toby's pregnancy, I went through a few "lasts".

Some of them were memories.

The last time I walked this corridor pregnant...
The last time I entered this Labour and Delivery Ward...
The last time I felt this pain...

But some of them were the beginning of a new circle.

The first time I walked out of there with a live baby.
The first time I held a newborn since...

Again, the list could go on.

So, I wonder though.  The beginning of a new circle?  Or just the completion of the circle.  So that I can travel around and around? 

:::

I'm so very aware of so many firsts from the past almost four months.  And I treasure every single one. 

But soon we're entering some new firsts.  The circle of rainbow in a different color.  I don't mean any new rainbows.  I just mean the shade of the circle I'm in.  Or on.

In a few weeks Toby will go to his first birthday party.  Not his, obviously, but the first one he attends.  Maybe a cake.  Maybe a hat (ugh, he hates hats!).  A happy birthday song.  And a little birthday girl, oblivious to the big picture.

I'm excited about Toby's first birthday party.  But I'm also well aware of the flip side of the coin.

It's my gorgeous little niece, Molly's birthday.  She will turn 3.

I'm aware that another little girl in heaven, Hope, will also turn 3.

These circles keep turning.

And so as much as I look forward to Molly's birthday party.  And as much as I look forward to taking Toby to his little cousin's 3rd birthday party as his first birthday party.  I'm also caught on that circle of ever knowing that Toby's big brother should be there at that party.

Because the next birthday party would be his.

Ciaran's.

Ciaran's 3rd birthday.

:::

Welcome to the house of fun.  The rollercoaster ride you may never get off.  The theme park with no exit.