How many?

There's the question about how many children do you have.  This post isn't about that.

This is the question of how many pregnancies have you had.  Or more so, what number pregnancy is this.  I mean when you are pregnant, and checking in with a provider such as an OB or the hospital.

Of course, the answer to that question is usually followed by an assumption that that's how many children you have (living).  Wrong.  Of course.

But the other day I was thinking along the lines of what number of pregnancies, and it dawned on me, that I have now had the same number of pregnancies as my younger sister (sorry A.. it's just an observation and not designed to guilt you ever!!!!). 

Three.

She has three beautiful girls.

I have my beautiful Toby here.  I have my beautiful Ciaran in heaven.  And I have one little angel singing lullabies from the clouds.

Three.

If I ever fall pregnant again, then I will be writing the number "4" on those forms.  Oh my.  Four pregnancies is tough on the body is it not?  Let's not even go into the "tough on the mind" thing.  Let alone now that I am the grand old age of 40 (plus some months).

:::

And speaking of TTC.  Not that we are.  Well, not that we're not either.  Unless you call the fact that we haven't had sex in many months.  Haha too much information?  Ah well.

But I've had a few dawning moments in recent times. 

I remember saying that if we got our Toby home alive then I wouldn't be so worried about trying again.  Wasn't I wrong!  Of course, I want another.  I'm already clucky for one of those little munchkins!  So, I've been reminding myself that it's probably not likely to happen for us.  It took 18 months, tens of thousands of dollars, much emotional turmoil, a miscarriage, a whole bunch of failed ART treatments... just to get our Toby. 

So, another dawning moment has been the recognition that I feel our family is incomplete.  That yes, Toby needs another.  But what does Mama need?  I think my family will simply always be incomplete.  Hopefully there will be another (number two?  Or number four?  However you choose to look at it.).

:::

I've come across a number of TTC-ers this past couple of months and you know what?  I'm envious.  Jealous even!  And these are fellow babylost friends.  Not that I don't wish them another, but it's the want for myself.  The wants never seem to end.

:::

And in real life?  A whole heap of pregnancy announcements.  And the ouch is that I somehow relate all of them to me and my own loss.  I don't know what I do that.  But for example, three of my ex colleagues have all announced their pregnancies.  Anita's first little girl was born a year or so before Ciaran.  Kelly's first little boy was born three months before Ciaran (although her situation is now babylost too as her second little boy died in utero last year at 38 weeks).  And Natalie's little girl was born two months before Ciaran.  We were pretty much pregnant together.

Now for the salt.  Their children are nicely spaced.  Three years apart.  Siblings. 

If we manage to have another, it will most likely be a heck of a lot closer than that.  Not so much by choice, but rather because we will not look a gift horse in the mouth.

:::

And on that gift horse topic, I'm surprised by the amount of "advice" we've been given about when to have the next.  Even by my own beautiful mother (whom I love and respect very much).  Advice being to not get pregnant again before Toby is a year old.  And in the very least six months old.  Like we can dictate it?

How quickly people forget.

It's not so easy for us.  If the path is as rocky as the one we travelled to get Toby, then it will be expensive, exhausting, unromantic, and aging before another one comes home.  And I will be a lot closer to 45 than I am now.  Which also means I can add one more word to that adage.

Unlikely.

So, I just agree with those people giving advice.  Firstly, we would have to DTD for it to happen soon.  And secondly, if we were to get a surprise, then we'll just surprise them too.  And then I will be writing a post about the "advice" we get then!!