Here.

OK bloggies... first up, techie help!  I see I have the new dashboard which I'm not happy with... so question number one is can I still hide the blogs I don't want everyone to know exist?  And then my second question is can I remove the option for people to share posts on fb etc?  I've looked but I canna see....

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And then, where do I start?  I haven't blogged in a long time.  Life is busy.  Of course it is - I am, after all, lucky to have a now 13 month old.  He doesn't let me at the computer while he's up and about - he wants to be in the study too and that would be equal to an environmental disaster.  So, I'm limited to ipad access which isn't conjusive to blogging.  But I can't entirely blame the child... I am entirely overwhelmed by what I have on my plate these days.

To the point where I have sought counselling, if only to remind me that my own expectations, and that of others who surround me in my life, are entirely unrealistic.

It doesn't help me a lot.  But it does help a little.  To hear someone else remind me that I am apparently some kind of super woman.  That in the past three years and a bit I have somehow survived the supposed impossible.  Emotionally impossible that is.  And that even in the past twelve months (and a bit), on top of mothering a baby in heaven, I have survived a rainbow pregnancy, birthed my living baby, and moved house twice.  Just the reminder that I have managed to tick off so many of the "most stressful situations" checklist does help a little.  But it doesn't help to unpack boxes, organise and redecorate, or cook, clean and housekeep.  And I still have bucket loads of that too do.  All of it I mean.  There are boxes around - too many!  I'm gradually getting through them, but faced with challenges of where to put things.  Or challenges that feel like a chain of things to get through - like I can't unpack the rest of the linen closet until a) I find where MIL has put everything, b) I clean the old, dusty, mousy cupboard out, c) I put contact down on the shelves to try to keep them cleaner and nicer and d) hope they fit.  Same goes for the rest of the pantry.  Then there's the laundry - I finally managed to buy a suitable laundry cupboard.  So now I need Shane to assemble it.  But I need him to tell me exactly when he will so that I can then move everything that MIL "kindly" (against instructions) unpacked onto the bookshelf I have in there (hoping that no cleaning products have left rings on the timber), so that we can move said bookshelf to it's new home in the study, so that the new cupboard can be put together, put in place, and everything put in there, and the rest of the laundry unpacked and organised.

Sigh.

Add to that the fact that since we arrived here Shane has been working loooooonnng hours - 12-14 a day mostly.  He usually arrives home as I'm bathing Toby, and then it's bed time.  Getting Shane to do something at that hour is near impossible as, didn't you know, he's had a hard day at work. 

Sigh.

Luckily I've got easy days, sitting around playing with the happy baby.

But you see I'm not allowed to feel stressed about that (i.e. the fact that my day certainly isn't sitting around playing with a happy baby!), because I know just how lucky I am.

Enter another guilt stress in my life.  Trying to accept that just because you know how lucky you are, doesn't mean you aren't allowed to be frustrated or frazzled.  I wouldn't change anything for the world (well, obviously there is that one little thing...), but not having any support network or even friends close by really does take it's toll.  The only bit of "relief" I get is if Shane is home early enough I can throw Toby through the shower with him, rather than running the bath and physically doing that myself.  Funny how handing a naked baby to his daddy for five minutes under the water is sometimes the most relief I can find before baby sleep time. 

I'm the ultimate in overprotectedness.  My mother brought us up with her mother's saying that "you have your babies - you rear them".  I find it very hard to leave Toby for even half an hour.  He's only been left with someone once - a close friend who I trust, while I went to the chiropractor, but it was enough for me to decide that wasn't something I want to do if I don't have to.  That friend is 2.5 hours away now anyway!  My family is 3.5 hours away.

And so Toby and I are with each other constantly.  And mostly I love it.  I would however also love a massage and a haircut.

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The day after Toby's first birthday in April, we went on our first real family holiday.  We flew over to Perth in Western Australia.  Toby was so excited on the plane.  My heart swelled so much over the next two weeks.  I really didn't expect a one year old to be so excited about things!

He was a gem on the holiday.  The time difference was hard on mama - it meant he was getting up between 4 and 5am for the day, but not going down until normal time.  He was getting plenty of sleep in the car as we were road tripping, but I wasn't.  Shane was somehow managing to keep sleeping in the same motel room as us, not bothered at all.  At least he had a nice relaxing time, with a chance to catch up on some sleep!

We covered about 3000+ km - from Perth, down to Bun.bury and Aug.usta, and then up to Den.ham for my cousin's wedding, and back to Perth again.

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Another Mothers' Day survived.  I was feeling very blah about it.  But one of those things that once more I felt that I wasn't really entitled to the "blah" now that I have my rainbow. 

I've been missing Ciaran a lot these past few months.  Toby is so much of a personality now, and I'm forever wondering about the little boy who isn't here.  I try to see him in Toby, like I "could" when he was a baby, but I don't know if I can anymore, because Toby is no longer a baby, and Ciaran will always be.  Does that make sense?

Most of the baby clothes from pre-Toby times have been outgrown and packed away.  The nursery was packed when Toby was a baby because we moved, and here I find myself needing to set up a little boy's room.  I'm struggling with that - still.  I'm happy with Toby in our room.  He doesn't sleep all night.  He ends up in our bed more often than not these days.  I've been told that he will "probably" sleep all night in his own room.  But if he doesn't, then I'm the one who has to wake to go in to him.  Just a minor excuse really.  I'm in no hurry to move him.  He's happy.  We're happy.

But there are fewer and fewer "reminders".  Of the baby that was and the baby that is, because that baby is now a toddler.  He's walking now, as of a week or two ago.  Not a baby any more. 

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The yearning is still there, though.  Sometimes it's just under the surface.  Sometimes it's at a more comfortable depth.  I find myself not wanting to revisit the pain.  I remember wanting to live in that pain forever, way back when.  Feeling that that was the closest I would ever be to my little boy.  And now, I don't want to be washed by that wave anymore.  It hurts.  I cry a lot.  Toby laughs.  Which of course, mostly helps me to laugh while I cry.

I don't know if there will be any more.  I'm about as satisfied as I can be.  I don't have the same need anymore.  There will always be one missing.  But I do hope there will be another one.  For Toby.  And of course, for us.  I just mean that if there were only so many to go around, then there are other important people in my life that I would say "take it" to.  Toby is my healer.  Another one is not going to heal me any more, I can't imagine.  We'll take what God gives us.

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